Love is either the best pleasure or the worst pain. With love, nothing seems impossible. Without it, everything does. All the heartbroken people, one-sided lovers and lovers who got cheated or lied to, knows that they must move on with their life. But it is easier said than done. Even though the mind says to let go, the heart does not want to. In fact, heartbroken people do have a very hard time figuring out how to get over a relationship. It isn’t easy at all, but it needs to be done. Life goes on, with or without anyone after all.
Why does it hurt to lose a relationship?
Relationships, whether personal or to an object or place or substance defines life’s meanings. Relationships with the persons we interact with hold a special place in maintaining our mental balance.
When a relationship is lost, especially the important ones, we feel like our life has no meaning. We lose more than a relationship; we lose a part of ourselves. Somewhere in that lost part, goes our happiness. It makes us empty; we question our actions, our identity, our purpose and even our existence.
The tendency to fix everything or restore the normal version of our loved life is what we focus the most on. And while doing so, we keep on hurting ourselves, desperately holding on, unable to get over that someone who was so dear to us.
This practice is very harmful. It damages us, whereas we should choose to reject it and rebuild ourselves instead. Instead of holding on, we should know how to get over someone. The key is to convince both the mind and the heart. Here are a few tips that can be kept in mind while grieving over someone-
The process won’t be easy or quick
You may feel helpless whenever you try to let go but are unable to do. Keep it in mind that it is absolutely okay to face difficulty moving on. Studies show different people have different healing periods. From a few weeks to a few months to even years, the process can be tenuously lengthy and hard. But you should not give up.
The process is extremely grieving, and everyone has to face this atleast once in their lifetime. The length of a relationship, the intimacy, the experience, everything can be miserably painful at that moment. Just remember people with conditions even worse than you have managed to successfully move on with time. You will not be an exception either.
With time, everything heals, and your broken heart will too. There is no particular advice to accelerate the healing process with time, so don’t do things which are too much for you. Forceful forgetting won’t help, it must come from inside. It does get easy one day at a time. Trust that, believe in yourself, and one day soon enough, you will be free from carrying the heaviness in your heart.
Feeling Hurt is Okay
While trying to get over your ex, you may feel like this is the end of the world. When you try to compare the life you have at present with the one you had just a few days back, you will surely feel devastated. Now, everyone is telling you to move on. You are also coping with the extreme stress and forcefully following all the advice as given to you by friends and family.
However, you keep on thinking you have moved on, that the nightmare is over. You forcefully project yourself as you don’t care about the old relationship anymore and have really moved on. You feel obliged that you won’t feel any pain again. But you do, and you get sacred. You feel like moving on means not getting hurt by the past memories again. Just remember, it is absolutely okay to feel so.
Feeling sad about the past does not make you weak, remember that. Use that pain to your advantage. Build on the inconvenience to strengthen your mind. Get the resolve proper this time. Try it. Don’t subdue your feelings. Let it flow.
You will soon see that you are affected less and less now. You can now think about past memories without getting troubled. That’s what you should aim for.
Face your feelings and accept what you feel
You may think about how to get over someone by removing past feelings and becoming numb to them. Well, that’s where you are wrong. To remove the negative feelings, you must learn to accept them and how they make you feel. Only when you accept those feelings you can throw that negativity out of your system. The process of moving on only starts when you learn to accept what you feel. Unless that day comes, everything you do will be in vain.
You may deny your feelings, but that would be lying to yourself as well. The last thing you need right now is to be distant from yourself again. You are lost, trying to find your way. Do not get entangled more than you already are. Emotions, when blocked, can cause serious physical conditions as well, not to mention enormous mental stress. If you accept the emotions, you are not wasting your time and energy pretending, and energy is something you need a lot in this phase.
Negative emotions may be annoying, but thinking them clearly provides a feeling of peace rather than chaos. You may be sad now thinking about it, but as you let yourself feel, the pain and negativity will slowly go away.
You can do it easily by following a few basic steps. At first, identify the exact emotion that you feel. Then try to cast it outside. Feel like that emotion does not belong to you. This will be perfected by practice. Try to give a name, color, shape or size to your emotion. Imagine it as a physical object. Think of it as an outer object and how you are without it. Then, let it in. Imagine how you are now with that feeling in you. Once this step is completed, you will be able to evaluate the difference of yourself, how you are presently and what you need to be.
That what you need to be is what you should strive for. That way, it will be easier to move on.
Evaluate the Relationship Type
It’s very common to consider your partner perfect right after breakup and mope about how you will never find someone as good as that. Looking back, you will laugh on that thought someday. It happens with everyone. No one is made perfect; it is just the emotions inside you that temporarily direct you to believe so. To get out of it, here’s what you need to do.
Think like this – How many times in the relationship you were not happy at all? What kind of hindrance did that relationship bring in your life? How much happy were you before starting this relationship? What really annoyed you about your partner?
Ask these questions to yourself and you will see that you were not fully contented with the ‘perfect’ partner as well. Imagine a relationship without these problems. That’s what you should try to build on from now onwards.
Hear an opinion from your perspective
Rather than listening to a perspective which opposes your own, try listening to one that matches with you. You don’t need to hear how this relationship has failed. You already know that. Talking about it will only make it worse. So, try talking it with someone who is on your side. Someone who will remind you how good you were or how much effort you gave in the relationship may make you a little sad, but you will be free from feeling sorry for yourself.
It necessarily doesn’t have to be a person whom both you and your partner were familiar with. Just someone who knew about the two of you and someone who won’t blame you for the separation is what you need. Listening about the positive part of you in the relationship helps in letting go of the self-doubts and insecurities. Thus is a good way to build your way up again.
Take note of your thoughts and feelings
It may seem foolish at that time, but sometimes foolish things are what you need to let your mind breathe. Sit down. Clear your head. Make sure that your thoughts are not biased of any kind. Now grab a notebook and note down exactly what you think and feel. Feel free to write a poem, story or draw a sketch. Just let yourself out in those pages.
This works as good as therapy. Letting out the stored feelings will surely make you feel better. You will be able to understand yourself more, which is just what you need in these confusing times. Do not throw away those writings or sketch. Keep them. Assess them over a time period. You will see the change in your own thoughts and behavior with time. It will surprise you. You may feel like nothing has changed inside but outside, you can clearly see that you are adapting well. This will provide you the confidence about the progress that you have been lacking.
You will be surprised how much help can this self-assessment be to you.
Don’t return to your partner, even if you can
This is a golden rule which even though seems harsh, should be followed. The depression after separation is immense, but the joy of returning back again to the same person outweighs everything. You will feel like the top of the world again. Then, all of a sudden, you will see the same thing which happened last time. Only this time, you will not have enough strength to go through it all over again. You will be broken below consideration. So, be brave and walk out of it. Think of it as a revenge for the last time. That will make life easier.
The only exception to this rule is when the separation was due to any kind of misunderstanding or lack of information. In that case, you are free to go back, that is if your partner feels the same way too. But if the previous separation had anything to do with lying, cheating, dominating, controlling, manipulating, loss of self-respect and getting undervalued, then under no circumstances you should go back. You may think like everything is okay, and they have changed, but it isn’t really so. With time, you will experience the same thing as last time, only you will get hit harder, much harder.
Find new sources of meaning
After a separation, you will feel literally empty, without any proper meaning in your life. Know this; as fast as you will be able to find a meaning to your life, the faster you will be able to move on. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you will start looking for someone else. There are other things that can give your life meaning as well, like hobbies.
Apart from that, you can be a better listener. Understand what other people say rather than trying to reply to them. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else. The unnecessary comparison will only bring you sadness, and you need to avoid that. Think about the inner wisdom that lies within you. Instead of asking others about what you should do, ask yourself. Don’t hold on any guilt. Don’t think of yourself as unworthy or you aren’t enough. Focus on the part that you did not break the relationship. It had nothing to do with you. Ease yourself instead.
Rediscover your Joy
On the way to learn how to get over someone, don’t forget to find joy for yourself. Do not drown yourself in sorrow. Remember the things that made you happy. Do the things that made you happy. Eat your favorite food and you must cook and eat salmon as it has a great taste and it can help you to forget your pain.. Go watch your favorite movie. Play your favorite game. Try that one thing that you always tried to do.
Ask yourself: What makes you happy? Is it doing something? Or is it helping others? Think of ways you can organize your lifestyle to suit the needs that you always wanted. Try to concentrate on those things. You will get good results too. You won’t notice how time will fly away while doing something you like or love. Suddenly you will see that your life has been sorted. You did so many amazing things; you finished so many works, and the most important part: you had fun while doing it.
That is exactly what you need. Rediscover ways to give yourself joy. You will see the healing will be complete sooner than you expected and you will have moved on without you even realizing it.
Appreciate your own self
After a breakup, it is the perfect time to spend some quality alone time with you. Use this opportunity to know yourself again. This time is the perfect opportunity for you to grow as a person. Note your strengths. Eliminate your own self-doubts. Think about the qualities present in you which anyone would appreciate. Think about qualities present in you which are good enough for you yourself. List them down. Whenever you are feeling low, read them. Understand that you should be appreciated too, and it has to start from you only.
This will reduce your own self-doubts and you will be able to live with confidence again. Feel good about what you are, and know your worth yourself before someone else.
Do not stay in the comfort zone
Do not bore yourself while you are moping over someone. Go out and have some fun. It does not necessarily mean to do absolutely anything, but you can start with little tests and trials which you normally would not do. Anything that makes you slightly nervous, but provides you excitement as well as the things that you should try.
Try something daring, not in a threatening way of any kind but in a fun and exciting way. Try out a new thing, something which you want to do but which have always terrified you. Try it out. Absorb the excitement and feel the experience. You will not even know where your sorrow has gone away.
Once you are having fun, you will see how easier it will be to get over someone whom you thought you would not be able to live without. That’s life.
Find out what you really need
The main reason for the conflict that happens in the relationships is because of the fact that either you or your partner, or both are not getting your needs met in one way or the other. It has often been seen that whenever this occurs, it happens due to two main reasons. Either, the communication is very poor between the two of you, where you cannot even state to one another what you need, or the needs are knowingly ignored. In both of the cases, the problem is the same. It is happening because both of you are not really aware of each other’s needs. The only time a meaningful relationship gets terminated is when the cost of the ignorance of one’s needs is no longer acceptable.
There are a few fundamental emotional needs. Just like your partner can demand them, you can demand them all the same. Some of these basic needs mainly consist of a few things.
The primary need is status. You always want to feel equal or superior, but never inferior. You want to feel important. Whenever that is not the case, you feel challenged and insecure.
Next is the connection. Without a proper connection, you will never be understood truly and never be fully appreciated. You should be able to share your experiences and get values in return.
Finally, there is a feeling of security. No one will want to stay with someone who makes them feel unsafe. The feeling of safety and reliability is very important as the foundation of the relationship, as is trust. Once the trust is broken, it is very tough to get back on terms again.
These needs are basic in everyone’s relationships, and you should have the same needs too. All of our priorities may vary, but everyone should strive to keep a balance too. Same way, if you feel that your emotional needs were never met, you will ultimately realize what you were missing in the broken relationship and why exactly it did not work out.
Once you realize that, there is no one to stop you from moving on successfully without the need to look back anymore. The main aim should be to understand the main problem of the relationship and how exactly would like your new relationship to be. That way, you will be contented and finally realize that the previous relationship was not good for you, that your partner was not ‘perfect’. It is someone else, lying out there, and you cannot waste your time moping over someone who is not.
The moment you find what you really need, you will figure out how to get over someone yourself, without any help from anyone else.
Truly moving on and getting over a person whom you loved will never be easy, but the realization that someday you will be just as fine without them is the key to moving on. It will only make you stronger. When you will see your condition in your perspective and realize being single does not affect you, you will slowly be able to gather yourself out again and do the things that will not only increase excitement in your life, but also possibilities.
Always remember, different people have different coping time to get over someone, so even though it may seem like you have failed to move on, for now, you will gradually. Just have patience, and do not give up on yourself. Try the things that you always wanted to do, let go of the guilt, understand that it was not your fault, and know your value and appreciate yourself. It may not be the only way to move forward on with your life, but it is definitely the best way to do so.