The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition — The 285 guiding principles that form the basis of Ferengi business philosophy. (117 out of the 285 Rules of Acquisition have been made public. As for the rest, “hew-mons” are not allowed to be told.) For a mere 2 slips of Latinum, you may listen to me recite several of the stories behind the Rules of Acquisition.

1. Once you have their money… you never give it back.

2. You can’t cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.

3. Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.

4. A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.

5. If you can’t break a contract, bend it.

6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.

7. Keep your ears open.

8. Small print leads to large risk.

9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.

10. Greed is eternal.

11. Latinum isn’t the only thing that shines.

12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.

13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.

14. Anything stolen is pure profit.

15. Acting stupid is often smart.

16. A deal is a deal… until a better one comes along.

17. A bargain usually isn’t.

18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.

19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.

20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.

21. Never place friendship above profit.

22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.

23. Money can never replace dignity.

25. There’s always a way out.

26. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.

27. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.

30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.

31. Never make fun of a Ferengi’s mother… insult something he cares about instead.

32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.

33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.

34. Peace is good for business.

35. War is good for business.

37. Don’t trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.

39. Friendship is temporary; profit is forever.

40. She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.

41. Profit is its own reward.

42. What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine too.

43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.

44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.

46. Make your shop easy to find.

47. Don’t trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.

48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.

50. Gratitude can bring on generosity.

52. Never ask when you can take.

57. Good customers are as rare as latinum–treasure them.

58. There is no substitute for success.

59. Free advice is seldom cheap.

60. Keep your lies consistent.

61. Never buy what can be stolen.

62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.

65. Win or lose, there’s always Huyperian beetle snuff.

68. Ear stroking will get you anything.

69. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.

70. Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.

72. Never trust your customers.

73. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother.

75. Home is where the heart is… but the stars are made of latinum.

76. Every once in a while declare peace–it confuses the hell out of your enemies.

79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.

82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.

85. Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.

89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but ask what you can do for your profits.

94. Females and finances don’t mix.

97. Enough… is never enough.

98. Act without delay! The sharp knife cuts quickly.

99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.

101. The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it.

102. Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.

103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity.

104. Faith moves mountains… of inventory.

106. There is no honor in poverty.

109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.

111. Treat people in your debt like family… exploit them.

112. Never have sex with the boss’ sister.

113. Always have sex with the boss.

116. There’s always a catch.

117. You can’t free a fish from water.

119. Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet.

121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.

123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.

125. Count it.

135. Never trust a beneficiary.

139. Wives serve. Brothers inherit.

141. Only fools pay retail.

144. There’s nothing wrong with charity… as long as it winds up in your pocket.

146. Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is it’s father.

153. Sell the sizzle, not the steak.

162. Even in the worst of times, someone turns a profit.

169. Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive.

172. If you can sell it, don’t hesitate to steal it.

177. Know your enemies… but do business with them always.

181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.

189. Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.

191. A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.

192. Never cheat a Klingon… unless you’re sure you can get away with it.

194. It’s always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.

200. If you’re going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable.

202. The justification of profit is profit.

203. New customers are like razor-backed Greeworms–They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back!

211. Employess are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.

212. Never give away for free what can be sold.

214. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.

216. Never gamble with an empath.

217. Sometimes what you get free costs entirely too much.

218. Always know what you’re buying.

223. Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox.

229. Latinum lasts longer than lust.

236. You can’t buy fate.

239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.

242. More is good… all is better.

255. A wife is a luxury… a smart accountant a necessity.

261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.

263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.

265. The customer is always right … until you get their cash.

266. When in doubt, lie.

284. Deep down everyone’s a Ferengi.

285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.

Additionally, the hew-mon Ensign Robin Lefler (TNG:s The Game) has a few rules of her own worth mentioning…

Lefler’s Laws:

1. You can only count on yourself.

17. When all else fails, do it yourself.

36. You gotta go with what works.

46. Life isn’t always fair.

91. Always watch your back.

103. A couple of light years can’t keep good friends apart.


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